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Most recent posting below. See other blog postings in the column to the right.

Resolutions For Better Relationships With Your Children

October 09, 2009

Every January, parents ask about New Year's resolutions. What are good resolutions for parents? Here are three ideas that not only make good resolutions but will also help you and your children enjoy every day of every year.

1. Resolve to listen. Listening is a skill that we seldom work to improve. Too many times parents feel that it is their job to solve their child's problems and to make their child happy. But you cannot make problems go away without allowing children to express their feelings and make children feel understood. If we stop them from expressing feelings and offer solutions, the child will most likely stuff their emotions. At a later time, these stuffed emotions need to come out. Recent findings suggest that if you don't express your feelings, the feelings stay within and contribute to disease. A child could complain of a stomachache and really be dealing with a feeling that she wasn't allowed to express. Additionally, the child who feels dominated by his parents and unable to express his feelings may take his frustrations out on his younger siblings, pets or other property. An emotion repressed, persists. An emotion expressed, dissipates.

There is a way of listening that will make children feel heard. Make eye contact with your child. Put the newspaper aside, turn off the TV, and face the person to show that you are listening. Your facial expression is very important. Either smile or nod your head so that they know you are listening. Try not to say anything -" at first. This sounds easy but in fact it is difficult. We are so programmed to solve our children's problems that when a child comes to us with a problem, we feel the need to say something. But in order to truly listen to your child, you must first say nothing. Or you can mirror what your child tells you. For example, if your child says, "Mary and I got into a fight at lunch." Our instincts might tell us to say, "You and Mary are best friends! Why would you ever get into a fight? I am sure you will work it out." Resist the temptation to solve the problem. Either nod your head and wait for her to tell you more or say, "You and Mary fought at lunch?" Practice this with a friend or your spouse because it is much harder than it sounds.

2. Resolve to look at the situation through your child's eyes and not from a parent's perspective. When children tell parents something important, parents may react strongly at first. A strong reaction by a parent could create fear in the child and the child may then decide not to talk to the parent. We obviously do not want this. So what do we do? If your child tells you that when he was at Billy's house he watched TV, resist the temptation to say, "What? I didn't send you to Billy's to watch TV!" This may be how you feel but it won't encourage your child to say much more. If you just continue to listen, your child may tell you what really happened at Billy's house. Calmly say, "T.V.?" Your child might then say, "We were fooling around and Billy's little sister fell off the couch. Well, she was sort of pushed."Again you don't want to react strongly to this. Calmly say, "Tell me about it." You may hear that Billy's sister was bothering them and they didn't know how to get her away. This is your opportunity to help your child come up with what he can do differently next time. Don't get into a long lecture, simply ask, "How did you feel when she got hurt?" If he said that he felt bad when she got hurt but she was really bothering them. Affirm the feeling, "I can understand why you would feel that way. It's hard to share your time with Billy with his sister who probably doesn't want to do what you want to do. What are other ways that you could have handled that situation?"

3. Resolve to encourage your child to solve his own problems. It is very important that you don't solve the problem for the child but help the child solve the problem. If your child is having a hard time coming up with a solution, you can offer a suggestion, "What would happen if . . . ?" If your child asks you for your opinion, tell them that you would rather hear what they think. Problem solving is a wonderful skill that your child will be able to use for the rest of his life. In addition, you are showing him that you have confidence in his ability to solve his own problems.

In the example above, allow your child to come up with some ideas. If he is having trouble coming up with anything, you could start helping him by asking him questions such as, "What would you want someone to do if you were Billy's sister?" or "What happened when she first bothered you?"

Children may not remember what you say but they will remember what you do. Think back to the last time you were in a conflict - did you handle it in a calm, mature manner? If you want your children to handle their problems in this way, you need to start demonstrating the behavior that you want to see from them. This may be the hardest part of parenting. We have to hold ourselves up to much higher standards than we did before we had children. If we don't, we cannot expect our children to act any differently than we act. If we want our children to listen to us, we need to listen to them. Remember that even though we may not realize it, our children are learning from us constantly.

Although parents must hold themselves up to high standards, parents are people too. You aren't going to be a perfect role model and you are going to make mistakes. Look for progress, not perfection. Be kind to yourself when you make a mistake and treat it as a learning experience. Children can get the impression that their parents never do anything wrong. This is not always good for the child because when the child makes a mistake, she may be really hard on herself. Mistakes are healthy ways to show a child that no one is perfect. Apologize for the mistake and move on. Don't be hard on yourself - that doesn't help you or your child. You always have tomorrow. Every day is an opportunity for parents to listen to their children.